Are you tired of hearing me bare my soul, yet? OK, there are a few things that don't get shared to the world at large through social media and my blog, but, for the most part, I've tried really hard be as honest as possible in order to bring show Christ's hand of grace to as many people as possible. (That was a really long sentence!) The Kevin of the last few years would be truly mortified!
Can I have one of those honest moments with you right now? I feel stalled. Stagnant. Useless. Overwhelmed with the need and desire to serve and love and train up my children and open eyes to the need for change and rescue and just doing more than I am right now. But the need and urgency and the cost of failure paralyzes me. Raises my blood pressure. Makes me want to curl up and cry.
Oh, how I want the hard of our lives to turn my children's hearts to the Lord. How I want their lack of an earthly Father to cause them to cling to their Heavenly Father. I want the pain of this world to cause them to be compassionate and loving to all they meet. I want their struggle to open their eyes to the truth that everyone around them is struggling, too, and they must be treated with care and love. I want this tragedy to draw the three of us closer to each other and closer to Christ. I want to build beautiful relationships with them that lead to the most beautiful of friendships when they are grown. I want them to live their lives looking for the grace in each hard moment. I want them to be in the middle of the hard, in the middle of the sad and lonely, and be able to name grace after grace, as it happens, because they have trained their eyes to see His hand and remember His promises. Yet, I have no idea how to do this. I admit that I am not nearly as good at naming the joy and grace in the moment with my children as I am doing that with other people. I am so thankful that the Lord picks up all the slack in my parenting. I am thankful that there's nothing I can do that could mess up my children so badly, that the Lord couldn't step in with His mighty right arm and rescue and redeem. Father, enable to me to place my children in Your more than capable hands and trust them to You each moment of each day.
I also desperately desire to help others see the pain and reality of this disease of addiction. I want to help those who have no idea what it is, those who are losing their families and lives to it, and those stuck and suffering in the prison of it. But I just don't know how. And I am afraid to ask lest God tell what to do. Because I am scared of the answer. Because, the truth is, I know that this isn't a short answer. It's not an easy fix. It's a dig in, get personal, long, hard, bloody fight. One I don't know that I am up for or capable of. And let's be honest, to really help an addict, you have to dig in and be part of their lives. There's no other way to speak truth to them, hold them accountable, and get them the help that they need. And I just don't know if I'll ever be ready for that. Or if I want that any where near my children. Or if I can survive this fight again. And again. And again. Yet, I know this fight is worth it. That every life affected by addiction is worth the fight. But I just don't know how to fight. How to serve. How to love. Will I feel this way forever? Is this just a season? What in the world am I supposed to do? Writing and talking about it doesn't feel like enough and, honestly, feels like the easy way out. I know this will require digging in and building hard relationships and getting hurt and going to funerals and many more hard things. But I don't know how or if I can do that. But I can rest in this, even in my confusion, the Lord has a plan. A purpose for my life.
Father, show me the path You would have me walk in this fight for life in the midst the death and destruction of addiction. Show me how to show You to those who so desperately need Your light to break through and bring healing and release from bondage. Thank You for the opportunities You have given me so far to speak truth and Your grace. Open my eyes to the opportunities You will give me going forward and give me the courage I need to take them. Fill my mouth with Your words. Fill my every action with Your love and care and mercy and compassion to others. Lord, teach me how to truly love You and love others above all else.