I am tired. Like, almost fell asleep reading a book to the kids tonight tired. Like, it was a long, hard, beautiful, emotion-filled, "You make me brave" kind of day that leads to exhaustion. It feels like all of the big moments and big anniversaries; this past Friday was 11 months since Kevin passed away, today was Valentine's day (the 16th anniversary of our first date), Saturday I'll be doing my first interview sharing about life with an addict and what that really means, and next Monday I'll be doing an interview for a church talking about addiction and the church and just being real with the pain and the grace. Then just about two weeks after that we'll be celebrating the one year anniversary of Kevin's Perfect Healing Day. I am tired and emotional just thinking about it!
But, I am also grateful. Grateful to be seeing redemption from Kevin's pain and our hard story. Grateful to see God's hand leading and guiding in ways I never would have imagined. Grateful that the Lord showed me Kevin's own words to describe what life is like when you're the one trapped in addiction to share with the rest of us who just don't get it. Grateful to watch my kids step up and be comforters to those they see around them in pain or sadness. Grateful for the eyes to see the many ways the Lord was preparing me and the kids for this hard life long before we ever knew this hard path would come our way and become our life. Grateful for a heart that is more compassionate, more concerned, and more focused. Grateful for a prayer life that has been deepened and how much more alive His word is to me. Grateful for the ways I've seen He's made me more dependent on Him while at the same time making me more brave and strong through Him than I ever thought possible.
I am thankful for these two doors the Lord has opened and is allowing me to walk through, yet nervous at the same time. I don't know that I have the words to say when they actually have to come out of my mouth instead of just words on the page. I have so few answers for anything or anyone. Addiction sucks and makes no sense. Those dealing with it need Jesus and help for the rest of their lives. I have no answers for how my husband, so rooted in the Word and loving and trusting God, could end up an addict. I've questioned it many times. The only answer I have is that we have an enemy out to steal, kill, and destroy all that belongs to God and he's very good at what he does. Christians are not immune to satan's attacks, which is why we must always be in our armor and on our guard. That's all I really have. It still doesn't make sense. But the struggle I saw and heard and read from my husband of trusting God while his brain was still craving that drug was the hardest thing to watch. He was in the word every day the last year of his life. We prayed together every day, pouring out our hearts in tears and desperate cries, begging the Lord to take away this horrible disease. He admitted his wrong choices and begged the Lord's forgiveness for choosing so poorly. Once the Lord removed the scales of addiction from his eyes, he had no desire to continue living in that horrible state, but felt so little control to stop the cravings. It was so hard for him to imagine life without that drug that he was scared to enter rehab. Once he did, and got the medical help he needed, he was petrified the moment they told him they were taking that help away. And he allowed fear to talk him into one more poor choice. I miss him so terribly, but I am so thankful he is no longer struggling like this. Watching that spiritual battle was harder than watching him go through withdrawal. I am so thankful for his salvation and that it's God who upholds His covenant with us and it's not reliant on us and being perfect. I am so thankful that as Kevin took his last breath here he looked into the eyes of His Savior welcoming him home, regardless of the way he died and the poor choices he made. And God answered our prayers, our desperate cries for healing, that day.
Father, fill my mouth with your words over these next few days and in these two interviews. Give me a clear mind as I speak. Give me your Truth and help me to share it clearly. Lord, speak. Lord, move. Lord, begin even now to soften the hearts of those who will see and hear these interviews. Use them to draw many to You and to encourage those who need to seek help to do so. Father, make me brave through Your Spirit and in Your name. Protect my children in this so they can continue to process things in their time.