November 25, 2016

We Survived Another First

This past Thursday was Thanksgiving. Our first without Kevin. Honestly, it wasn't as hard as I thought it might be. I shed very few tears, though he was greatly missed. We shared lots of fun memories and had quite a few laughs and it was fun. I know that Christmas will be harder. Much harder. Our Christmas last year was so perfect. The best one we had in our 15 years together. It was just what we needed. We had no idea at the time what a sweet, precious, gift of grace it was for our family.

This last month or so has been hard. Really hard. I felt like I was back in those first week's after Kevin's death. The exhaustion has been overwhelming. No matter how much I sleep I can barely stay awake long enough to function. All day. The ability to focus has all but disappeared. I spend most of my time staring off into space not hearing or noticing a thing going on around me. (You can imagine how well that works for school time!) People will be talking to me and asking questions and I don't even notice that they are there. Though not as badly as in those first few weeks, eating makes my stomach hurt. Getting out of bed is more of a struggle each morning. It's annoying. Really annoying. I was just starting to settle into a rhythm of exercise and quiet time and then everything reverted back 9 months. This is grief. So unpredictable. So annoying. So consuming.

BUT GOD has still been present every moment. He's answered every time I have cried out to Him. He gives me energy when I need it, words when I need them, and the ability to get school done when I don't have that ability on my own. I know this is just temporary. It's light and momentary. So, I continue to cry out and read scripture and lean into Him in all the hard. And He never leaves or forsakes me!

Father, grant me restful sleep and divine energy. Give me a passion and energy for teaching and finishing this semester well. Give me a perceptive heart and the energy I need to reach out and serve those around me in need. Father, don't allow grief to turn my eyes only to myself. Teach me to turn my eyes, my time, and my gifts outward at every opportunity. Thank You for Your many good gifts. Open my eyes to see each one every day. Let Your praise ever be on my lips.

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