October 10, 2016

Today Marked Seven Months As a Family of Three

Seven months. It sounds so long, yet so short at the same time. It seems like time has stood still, while at the same time so much has happened. I could never imagine a life without Kevin in it. Now I am living it. And it's hard. And some days just suck. But, if I am being honest, it has been bearable. Doable. Not because of anything that I have done, but because God is so good. He lavishes us with grace upon grace. He fulfills every promise and provides for every need. His word is a balm to my weary heart and aching soul. He is the God who saves and He's preparing a place for His children where there is no more sin, no more pain, no more sorrow. Just joy. Pure joy!

Today I did something I wasn't sure I was going to be able to do, but once again, God lavished me with grace and turned it into a beautiful time. Tonight I spent an hour at Kevin's resurrection spot (thanks, Bob Wathen for that beautiful term!) I was nervous going, mainly because, honestly, I wasn't sure I could find it. And I almost didn't. I knew the general area and just started looking for empty vases (Kevin's marker was just placed on Friday and we hadn't been there, yet.) I had a hard time finding it because, to my pleasure and surprise, someone had already been there and placed flowers in his vase. Made me cry. I have the best family, framily, and church family. So much so that I still don't know who put them there and the list of possibilities is so long I'd never be able to guess.

The Lord really blessed my time there, as I sat with my phone playing beautiful music and I looked through scriptures the Lord had given me through the last year and looking over all the prayer requests that God has answered in the last year. Even the ones He answered in ways that would not be what I had chosen. Here are a few pics from the evening.

 Wearing his thumbprint around my neck.
 Isn't it beautiful? Oh, how much more beautiful it will be when all the dead in Christ will rise!
 That yellow blanket is Kevin's from high school. It might even be older than that, I'm not sure.
 This was from a study I did last year. I love that Kevin is seeing that he is also all those thing, yet in their fullest and truest meaning!

 There were tears, and some rain, but it was a beautiful, God-filled time.
 I wrote these in early 2016 when Kevin was wanting to change churches and I was really struggling with being submissive and loving and encouraging and supportive to him. I love that every one of these is still true, even after all the hard and grief.
 Still praying this prayer!
 It's all still true!!!!!! God is so good.
 Clearly, I need to see and hear things more than once for them to sink in. Thankfully, God is patient.

 AMEN! Kevin will never again see the enemy or his destructive lies and deceit. Addiction will never be seen in his life again!

 This may be the "Heather McSmith Version' of this verse.

 While most of the answers didn't come the way I would have chosen, all these prayers (and many more) have been answered in the last seven months.
Though I didn't have room for all the words I wanted to put on his marker, this is the scripture reference that is on it. I am so thankful for the truth in these verses. 

Father, I don't understand Your ways. I don't know why You chose to answer my prayers for Kevin's healing by taking him home instead of healing him here and allowing him to be a testimony of Your healing power. But Your ways are higher than my ways. You see all and know all and I trust that You do what is best in all situations. Lord, I have no idea how You are going to redeem this story. How You will take this broken, hurtful story that didn't end the way I wanted it to for Your glory? How will this story point other addicts and their spouses to You when the ending wasn't one of recovery and peace and a life lived well? I doubt that anything good can come from this, that there will be any redemption in this brokenness, yet I know that You promise to make all things new and right ONE DAY. I look forward to that ONE DAY. Father, in the meantime, fill my heart and lips with Your praise. Teach my heart and mind to trust You in all things at all times. Let my children see You more fully as the good, good Father that You are. Oh, Lord, light the path You have for us, one step at a time. 

PS--Here's a song I've fallen in love with lately. Sound of a Living Heart by JJ Heller is a beautiful reminder to me that being real and raw and honest is the only way to heal. Hiding doesn't help. I also love the line "lift my voice and sing my part." I love the beauty that my story is just one small chapter in the big story that is God's story. I love that my story is but one part of the beautiful song that God has written. And the song isn't complete without my part. If I keep quiet and refuse to see and share God's grace and mercy in my life this beautiful song He has written will be incomplete. Though right now I feel passionless and useless and have no clue how God wants to use me, I know this, right now my part includes sharing all the God-moments He's created in our lives. In the good. The bad. The hard. The sweet. The joyful. The sorrowful. 

1 comment:

  1. Heather,
    God is telling a marvelous story of healing through your family. This story- the Story of a God Who Heals- needs to be told. Thank you, Friend,for being brave enough to share your ups and downs with us along the way. Your journal pages are a blessing to read. God is good.
    Much love to you, Dear One,
    Bethany Woods