Some days are just harder than others, aren't they? And it's not just grief. It's life. Some days it just feels like you have to work for everything; the joy, the laughter, the getting out of bed to start the day. Grief just seems to magnify this and make it happen more frequently.
Today is one of those days. It is 8:23 a.m. and I am still sitting here in my bed, in my pajamas and I have made no attempt to get my kids out of bed. All three of us had late nights last night, so I am tired. I know being tired makes me more likely to give in to the depression and fear and confusion and loneliness and emotions and grief. I know it's not good to be tired. But, some days, I just can't help it. And today is that day. I am struggling to get moving. To get motivated. To want to do anything.
And Wednesday is not best day for me to feel this way. It's a long, crazy, busy, wonderful day. We need to get school done. We get to serve some precious kiddos in our Afterschool Adventures program. We get to have dinner with our church family, followed by lots of hands-on fun at Family Quest. Then I have the joy and fun of rehearsing with the church drama team, followed by praise team rehearsal. Wednesday is seriously one of my favorite days of the week, so I hate feeling this way on this day.
Today, I miss Kevin. I miss his laugh and his mischievous grin. I miss his ingenuity and hard working mind set. I miss being married to him and being part of a whole. I miss fighting beside him and for him and with him. I miss praying with him and for him. One of the hardest and weirdest things since his death is realizing there is no longer a need to pray for my husband. So many of my hours the last 15 years have been spent praying for him and it's weird not to pray for him now. I mean, I offer prayers of thanksgiving for him, of course, but he no longer has needs or health problems or any of those other things I have lifted to the Lord for so long.
Today I will not let satan get the victory in this. Today, I choose to pray for the marriages of those I know and love. May the Lord fill their marriages with love and peace and a desire for their marriages to point others to Christ. May their marriages be full of peaceful and respectful words and the wisdom to know when to speak those words. May their hearts be ones of prayer for their spouses and of servanthood toward them. Oh, Father, do a mighty work in Christian marriages around the world, so that they truly reflect the heart and love of Christ to a lost and broken world. Thank You for the gift of marriage. Let those who love you do marriage well, even in the hard and chaotic and messy of this fallen world. Let these marriages be light in the darkness that point others to You and You alone.
I'll be honest, today will probably be a day of wearing pajamas, coloring, working on Family Quest workbooks, and snuggling together while we tell stories of Kevin. Very little school will probably be done because my heart just isn't on school today. And that's OK. Some days are like that. I am thankful that not every day is like that. But it's OK if some days are. They have worked hard the last few weeks and, honestly, it will all get done before the end of the year, so there's no need to worry. (And I am not saying that for your benefit, but to remind myself!) Ethan just came in and cuddled up beside me and the day already feels brighter! Yes, I think this just might be what we need today!
Lord, fill this house with Your Spirit today. Teach us to lean in and trust in You. Let today be the day of salvation for Ethan. Give him a new heart and fill and seal him with Your Holy Spirit. Lord, let the fruit of the Spirit overflow from all of us today so that others will see and know You. Lord, lead. Guide. Comfort. Energize. Give rest. Give hope. Give joy. Give peace. Only You can!