At least my mind is. The rest of me hasn't quite gotten the memo. Actually, I am not totally sure my mind has fully understood the memo. (I told you, it's a crazy train!)
Earlier this week we got to see Kevin's headstone for the first time. The monument company called and said it was in so we headed out to look at it. I was nervous. I wasn't sure how I would react. I wasn't sure how the kids would react. I honestly thought it might just end up being an ugly crying nightmare and I'd have to call in someone to rescue us and get us back in the van and drive us home. BUT GOD was so good. There was not a single tear. No eye even teared up. E walked right over to it, put his hands on it, then promptly sat on it and looked up at me with a big grin. S grabbed her phone (have no fear, there is no number attached to it and it only works on WiFi if I enter the password...but she loves taking pictures of random things on it) and snapped a few pictures. We smiled together, got some information from the owner, and hopped back in the van to continue the day. Not what I was expecting at all!
I got the call today that it was delivered to the cemetery, so it shouldn't be too long before they set it. I am not sure I am ready for this.There is just something so final about it all and I just don't know if my emotions can take it. I just might lose it and be like the weeping widow you see on TV who just has no control of anything; emotions, running nose, crying, anything. I do not want my kids to see me like that. I mean, they've seen me ugly cry more times than I can count, but I don't want them to connect that picture with Kevin's grave because what I want them to see is a mom who is grieving with hope. Because I am. But sometimes, that just doesn't look pretty or like I want it to look. Is it possible to be in grief and be totally shallow at the same time? Because I am.
And so conflicted at all times. There are times when I just feel dumb for still grieving. I feel ridiculous for still being overwhelmed at the most simple tasks. I feel silly for not being able to remember to take my phone or locking my keys in the house because my brain just doesn't function like it used to. Part of my brain is saying to me, "Get it together, woman! It's time to get back to life. You've known for years that death is part of this world, so quit crying about it and get back to living and loving the here and now. Other people are sacrificing their comfort and lives to share the Gospel with people around the world and you're still struggling to get out of bed most days. Seriously, you've been in mourning since his first trip to the ER last April. Suck it up and let's find our purpose and get going." I feel passionless and useless. Two things I hate feeling!
Of course, there's the other part of me that says, "He was the biggest part of your life for 15 years. 15 years! It's barely been 7 months. Grief is real and grief is OK to feel. Take time to be thankful that the Lord allowed you to fall so deeply in love and marry this man. Take time to be sad that it's over and he's gone. Be sad that your children now have to live out their lives without their daddy. But rest assured, the day will come when your brain will clear and your heart will feel just a tiny bit lighter and your passion and purpose will come into clear view. Until then, breathe deeply. Feast on the Word. Pour out your heart in prayer. Dig in deep with the beautiful friends He's placed in your path. And be patient. Look for the grace. There will be time later to pour that grace back out on others."
I wish I could say that second voice is what I listen to most days. But that would not be true. That first voice drowns the other one out about 90% of the time. I know it's a lie. I know that it's the enemy distracting me. Lying to me. Deceiving me so that I will be useless in the Kingdom.
Oh, Father, give me ears to hear Your voice alone. Teach me to tune out the lies of the enemy so I can focus on the voice of my Shepherd. Lord, do the same for Sophie. Tune her heart to Your voice and teach her to ignore the lies the enemy sends her way. Adopt Ethan. Give him the courage and bravery to accept Your free gift of salvation TODAY. Let today be the day You say to him, "You are my son and I am your Father." Tune his heart to hear Your voice and to ignore the voice of the enemy. Teach us to see the grace. Teach us to see the redemption in this hard. Lord, fill in the gaps. You are a good, good Father who loves, cares, gives, provides, and does what we mere humans can't do. Teach us to make our story Your story. Teach to grieve with hope. To see the grace in all the yesterdays and the hope in all the tomorrows.