Today is one of those days. I know I've said it before, more than once, but grief is hard. And long. And unpredictable. Most days are good. I keep it together. There are smiles and laughter and fun. Sweet memories are talked about and new ones are made.
But then, there are other days. Days like today. More memories than my brain or emotions can handle come flooding back. Tears seem to fall for no reason. I am undone over the smallest, silliest things. I seriously feel like a crazy person some days. So often big things don't bother me at all and the little things are just too much to handle. I feel silly, selfish, and guilty about everything. I am tired and weary. I feel like I've been grieving since April of last year and I just want to be done. So many days I see a light at the end of the tunnel. Some days are so dark the grief seems endless. It's back and forth and back and forth.
I must confess, I've only seen Kevin's grave once. The day we buried him. I didn't go before and I haven't been back since. I feel guilty because I don't feel guilty. I have no idea why, but I feel absolutely no attachment to it. It was really hard to choose his headstone, but I loved the proof and can't wait to see it in person when it is finished, yet I just don't want to go see it actually on the grave. I have no idea why. Maybe I am worried about how I will react. I was watching a movie the other day that showed a widow just sitting at her husband's grave, unable to leave. I don't feel that way at all. And I feel guilty that I don't feel that way. Do people think I don't miss Kevin? That I didn't love him because I don't grieve him that way?
Yet, I cannot give up the need to go to a corn maze every weekend. That was our tradition the last few years. Those corn mazes were the few times during addiction that he enjoyed time with us. Smiled. Laughed. Was the Kevin that we knew and loved. Especially last year. Finding a way to get to at least one corn maze every weekend has become an obsession. To the exclusion of pretty much everything else. About this, I feel silly and guilty. Selfish. Self-absorbed. I cleaned out the closet with little struggle. I rearranged his dresser drawers with few tears. The amount of things I cleared out of storage was huge. There was very little attachment to those things. For most of them, I snapped a picture and was able to toss it or donate it. But these corn mazes. I can't let them go. Am I a crazy person?
I feel no need to visit his grave, yet I cannot bring myself to have our church directory picture taken without him in it. I don't want there to be people who ever know our family without him. I don't want a family picture that Megan didn't take. I feel heartless and too full of emotions at the same time. I didn't even know that was possible! I feel completely unstable at times, while at other times I feel so in control and good to go.
BUT GOD has been steady. He is the same yesterday, today, and forever. No matter how crazy I feel, how up and down my emotions are, how happy or sad I feel, He is my rock. He goes before me, follows behind me, and hems me in on all sides. He saw every one of my days before one of them were lived. Every.one.of.them. Nothing has taken Him by surprise. He knows my every need before I give voice to any of them. He knows I feel crazy. He knows I am high maintenance. He knows I am tired and weary. He loves me anyway. He doesn't sleep or slumber. He hears every prayer. He will redeem every tear. To these truths I cling, even when I feel emotional and crazy. When I feel overwhelmed, I force myself to turn to His word to remember that He loves me and knows me and takes care of me. I make lists of His provisions. I list the JOYS He's given. I remember that all is grace; life, death, salvation, waiting. All.is.grace.
Oh, Father, train my heart and eyes to look to You at all times. Give me a steadfast faith that will withstand the ups and downs of my emotions and grief. Give me clarity of mind to trust You and not my emotions when I feel overwhelmed. Make me more like You each day.