September 26, 2016


I love the song Daylight by JJ Heller (I'll have a link at the end of the post) and listen to it on repeat pretty much every day. The words are beautiful and heartfelt. It was written from the heart of one who struggles with depression, but fits this roller coaster of grief well.

Lord, I've been afraid for so long.
Oh, how this is me! From the moment I realized what was really going on with Kevin (addiction and depression) I was afraid. Afraid of so many things. Afraid of speaking truth and letting people know what was really going on. Afraid of letting people in. Afraid of making things worse for Kevin. Afraid of making Kevin angry for talking to others when I knew how much it would shame him. Afraid. Afraid. Afraid. Every decision was made from a place of fear. And it was a terrible place to be. Few good decisions are made when they are based on fear.

I have prayed so many times to be strong.
Amen! I can't say "yes" loud enough. That was in my prayers almost daily. I am almost embarrassed to admit, however, is that I was praying to be strong in the wrong areas for the wrong things. I should have been praying for strength to speak truth, to be strong when it came to truly helping Kevin, for strength to let others in to the real, hard, messy of our life. Instead, I was praying for strength to be quiet and calm, to be submissive to requests made by my husband who was not in a healthy frame of mind and was unable to think clearly and make logical decisions. I regret not begging God for those first things instead, but I pray that I have learned from those mistakes and can be stronger in my trust and faith, and more open and honest, even with the hard and ugly.

I sit here in the desert making circles in the sand, but You're telling me that Your the promised land.
When I heard the last part of that sentence I caught my breath. There it was, in JJ Heller's beautiful voice, and it felt like God was telling me exactly what the purpose of all my pain and grief truly was: HE IS THE PROMISED LAND! Not marriage. Not a family. Not all the things I've had on my list. HIM. GOD. He is the gift, the reward, the JOY, the everything. I can't really put it into words, but I know that believing that makes all the difference. All.the.difference. The pain, the grief, the sorrow, even the journey isn't the point. Those things aren't the end. He is the end. HE IS THE END!

There is an inch of daylight underneath the door. It's enough to for me to fill up my canteen.
Some days feel so dark. So many days there seems to be no joy, no peace, no light. But, when we train our eyes to find the light (yeah, that's another JJ Heller line in another song I love! Saving that post for my birthday!) As a precious friend recently said in a meeting (I am looking at you, LD), it's so easy to see our circumstances, see our grief, and only pull out the tragic pictures. But when we look closer, we see so much light, so many pictures of grace. And you know what? All we need is an inch of daylight underneath the door to give us the hope to go on. And it's there. I promise. You may have to look hard. Squint. Lean in close. But the light is there.

Food and water are only buying time. If I want to live, Your love is what I need.
Yes, we need food and water to survive, but to sustain life and hope and love and grace here in this broken world, it's His love that we must have to keep going. Even when, especially when, the days are hard and you don't want to get out of bed, read His word. Trust His promises. Cry out to Him. Let His love overwhelm you. That's what will keep you going.

I'm scared to death of taking the wrong turn. Peace is something nobody can earn.
Oh man, so much of the last two years has been lived in fear of doing the wrong thing; in Kevin's eyes, in the eyes of my friends, in the eyes of my family, in the eyes of my church family. There was absolutely no peace. And there is never anything you can do to earn peace, no matter how "good" you are. Peace comes from Christ alone. It is a gift. Christ is peace. He fills us with a peace that is beyond all understanding. Beyond our simple language. Just beyond.

There's no chance now of losing, when You've given me Your love. You healed the disease I was dying of.
Amen! Amen! Amen! No matter what ails you, physically or mentally or spiritually, God is the cure. And God is the victory. Hear me, that healing may not look like you think, but the healing is there. For some, healing is physical healing. For others, healing is knowing that God is in control, no matter what. It might just be that healing is His peace in the midst of your pain, even though nothing has changed. Still for others, healing is leaving this earth to join their Heavenly Father for eternity.

The bridge of the song is the cry I probably utter most. It's uttered in those times when I have no words. In times when I feel desperate and doubtful. It's the prayer I need to utter every moment of the day. And it's the perfect ending to this post:
Be near me. Be near me, now. Be near me. Be near me, now.

Take a few moments and listen to this beautiful song:
Daylight by JJ Heller

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