I should be going to sleep right now. I don't feel well and I don't have time to be sick. But God just hit me with such a much needed revelation that I had to share.
Last night my son was not feeling well. He spent the entire time at VBS laying on the couch in the coffee house. When we got home he didn't even change clothes, he just laid down, wanting to sleep. This is extremely rare for Ethan so I knew he wasn't faking it. So, I wrapped him up in my arms (after a dose of children's Tylenol for the slight fever) and began to pray for him. I started to pray that God would heal him. Then I just stopped. Can I be honest here? Like ugly, mom fail, Christian fail honest here? I couldn't do it. I could not pray and ask God to heal Ethan because I asked God to heal Kevin and that healing took him from this earth. Ethan isn't ready to leave this earth. I couldn't speak the words. I couldn't think of anything to pray so I just sat there a moment. I don't even know how I finished the prayer, but I rushed from the room as fast as I could so I could sit in my room and cry in shame. Here I am, trying to teach my kids that God is faithful, trustworthy, our healer, protector, and provider; that He is sovereign and His plans are always good, but I couldn't trust him with this request. I couldn't ask for healing because I know, firsthand, that sometimes that healing comes in ways that leave others in pain and grief.
I almost admitted this to some sweet ladies at lunch today, but pride and shame kept me from saying anything. I didn't want them to know about my lack of faith and trust in God's plan, whatever it may be. I didn't want them to know I had a weak moment and was still shaken by it and unable to ask for healing.
Then I came home from church feeling like crap. There's really no other word to use. Achy, sore, headache, and a sore throat. Again, I just couldn't ask for healing. I know that I am ready to face Christ, but I'm not ready to leave my children (I also need to work on training myself to think with an eternal perspective, not an earthly one. So much work to do!) I was replaying last night in my mind when the thought came to me, just as the tears were pouring down, "You do know that, because Ethan isn't saved and if he died he would be in hell, that death for him isn't healing, right? Because of his spiritual state God would not be granting healing if He took Ethan from this earth right now. So pray for healing. Trust Him. He loves Ethan. He desires salvation for Ethan. He desires healing for Ethan. Hell is never healing." I cannot tell you the peace that flooded me when that thought came. I can pray for healing for my kids. I can trust that, even if God takes me from this earth while my children are young, He still loves them, still desires salvation for them, and will still pursue them fiercely. (Though I am still terrified at the thought of my kids spending eternity in hell and I pray fervently every day for their salvation.)
Father, teach me to trust my children to You. Teach me to trust every aspect of their lives to You. Teach me to trust their salvation to You. Teach me to trust their healing to You. Teach me to trust their eternity to You. Teach me to live faith and trust and hope and grace and mercy and love in front of them every day so they see You in all I do.