May 26, 2016

Overwhelmed

Today, right now actually, I just sat down and cried. It's the first time in several weeks that I've done this. The first time in several weeks that I've felt like I needed to do this. I was just overwhelmed by being overwhelmed.

Overwhelmed by thinking of all the things Kevin won't be here for in the future.
Overwhelmed by the emptiness of my closet.
Overwhelmed by the ants the rain brought to my house.
Overwhelmed by his dresser being empty of all his clothes.
Overwhelmed by grumpy children.
Overwhelmed by feeling like a #momfail because I just can't seem to get in a groove with the kids since we finished school.
Overwhelmed with anger at Kevin for leaving us too soon.
Overwhelmed with frustration at myself for being angry at Kevin when his death was really an answer to my months of pleading for healing.
Overwhelmed by all the wires and cables in the office that I just want out of my way so I can paint.
Overwhelmed by all the little things I keep finding here and there. It just never seems to be done.
Overwhelmed by sorrow and guilt at how sad, lonely, hurt, and hopeless Kevin felt for so long and I couldn't do anything to help.
Overwhelmed by how much laundry we produce.
Overwhelmed by how incapable I feel to parent these precious children God has given me.
Overwhelmed by how quickly the house gets dirty again.
Overwhelmed by how incapable I feel to homeschool these kiddos, yet confident that's what God has asked me to do.
Overwhelmed by the amount of time I've let the kids play on their tabs and watch TV in the last 2 1/2 months.
Overwhelmed by how stressed I feel when I think about doing even the smallest thing most days.
Overwhelmed by how awkward I feel around couples these days.
Overwhelmed by the fear that salvation won't come to my children.
Overwhelmed by the length of the to do list compared the the shortness of the amount of time to accomplish it all.
Overwhelmed by the fact that what would have been our 13th anniversary will be here in less than a month and I don't know that I can put on a brave face and make it through that day.
Overwhelmed by all the changes that need to be made to our school days.
Overwhelmed by taking out the trash.
Overwhelmed by doing all the things that Kevin did without having his help.
Overwhelmed by the thought that I have to pick out a headstone for my beloved.

Overwhelmed by the love lavished on us by my Savior and amazing church family.
Overwhelmed by the way others have stepped up to help us and do things for us and keep us going, even when life is crazy and hard for them.
Overwhelmed by the love and care and comfort the kids have provided to me, unprompted.
Overwhelmed by the millions of ways that God has provided for our every need.
Overwhelmed by the gift of music to soothe and calm my soul.
Overwhelmed by how spot on the Psalms I read each day feel for that day.
Overwhelmed by the fact that GOD IS FOR ME.
Overwhelmed by the fact that the JOY of the Lord is my strength.
Overwhelmed by the truth that, no matter my circumstance, God truly can help me say "It is well with my soul."
Overwhelmed by the gift of prayer, for and with others.
Overwhelmed by the amount of JOY that Facebook and Instagram brings each day.
Overwhelmed by the genuine worship I get to experience with my church family each week.
Overwhelmed by the truth that the God who created all things knows me, loves me, cares for me, sees me, provides for me, and is preparing a place for me to spend eternity with Him.

Oh, Father, teach my heart to be overwhelmed by You, not the things of this world!

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