May 23, 2016

Dreams

I don't know about you, but God has never spoken to me in a dream. Which makes me a little jealous. Because all the cool stories in the Bible where God spoke through dreams. But, alas, that has never happened.

So I have been surprised at how often since Kevin died I have felt like Satan is attacking me using dreams. Kevin suffered terribly for horrible, realistic nightmares most of his life. He would wake up feeling so heavy with the weight of the evil and darkness of his dreams most nights, but I have never had this happen. Until Kevin passed away. My dreams are nowhere near as dark or evil as his, but clearly meant to make me question everything about Kevin; his life, his character, his love for me and the kids. I hate it. I wake up in tears when I have these dreams because they were so real and it is so hard to shake, even when I am fully awake. I was not prepared for this kind of battle. Thankfully it doesn't happen every night, but when it does, it really shakes me.

But even in these attacks the Lord has shown Himself faithful and true. Every time I have had one of those dreams the Lord has given me confirmation of Kevin's salvation and character the very next day. After one dream a friend told me of a picture the Lord gave her of Kevin during our worship service that day where Jesus was washing his feet in heaven. After another I found Kevin's old Bible cover full of sermon notes and devotional questions. After this last one I found this sweet note Kevin had written to Sophie last year and slipped into her suitcase for her first year away at camp:

I just sat on the floor and cried after I read that note because it was just what I needed the day after a horrible dream.

I don't know why God isn't answering the prayer to remove these dreams, but I am entranced and enthralled by the sweetness of His love toward me in the wake of the dreams. Oh, Father, teach me to have the same love and tenderness toward my children that they may see their Father in heaven and run to You, accept Your free gift of salvation, and live their lives poured out for You! Let us look back on this note one day and be able to declare it was answered with salvation for both Ethan and Sophie!

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