April 09, 2016

We Made It!

This was a long, hard week. Both kids celebrated birthdays this week. We survived our first major event without Kevin. While neither day was without tears (mainly from me), we made it! We survived! We spent time with friends, ate cake, and shared some fun memories of Daddy.

Overall, it was a good week. On top of birthdays, Sophie and I also got to be part of Fiddler on the Roof at HLGU. Sophie did a small dancing part and I helped with a little make up. We both enjoyed it and had fun! I am thankful for friends who stepped in and helped with Ethan, making it possible for me to help. I am still getting used to this whole single parent thing, which means adjusting schedules and things I do because there isn't always someone to watch my kids or something for them to do. I want to scream, "I wasn't built for this!" But, deep in my heart, I know that isn't true. If I truly believe that every one of my days was written in God's book before one of them was lived (Psalm 139), then I also have to believe that I AM built for this because God knew, before I was formed in my mother's womb, that this day would come. I don't feel this, so I must constantly remind myself of it.

The grief has been really up and down this week. I was told this would happen so I was expecting it. I had my first counseling appointment this week (it went really well and I felt so much lighter after going.) I had visits from three college friends this week. That was also refreshing! One friend lost her father when she was a little younger than Ethan and had such good, sweet, wise words for me and for my kids to help us through the hard days ahead of us. She filled me with such hope and joy.

Running is one thing that has been so much harder without Kevin. I totally didn't appreciate his flexibility and ability to watch the kids at pretty much any time of any day. That made running with the girls so much easier. I've gone from running with them 3 times a week to barely being able to make once a week work. Today was one of those running days. And I am sore. Because I did nothing in between the times I ran with them. Please tell me that one day I will pull it together and be able to make a running schedule work and the grief will subside enough that I'll eventually have the energy to exercise alone on the days I can't run with the girls.

One thing I wasn't really ready for is all the selfish moments and thoughts that I have had. I struggle to want to do fun things with my kids. I am tired and I'd just rather nap. It try to meet in the middle and we watch movies together (if you can consider my napping while the movie is playing watching together.) I've thrown myself several pity parties thinking that I'll never again get Mother's Day presents, birthday presents, or Christmas presents. Really? Like any of that matters to begin with and like my kids can't take initiative and do those things for me. And even if they don't, it doesn't mean they love me less or value me less. I am just allowing Satan to use these little things to distract me from trusting God, spending time with Him, and seeing the amazing things the Lord has done and is doing for us. This life isn't about me. It's not even about my kids. It's about Him. Father, help me to remember and live that.

I am still missing my ability to focus for longer periods of time. My prayer time and Bible study are suffering because I just can't focus. I pray more at random times, but the prayers are short and don't feel deep like I had just a few months ago. I take comfort in the truth that even when we have no words, the Spirit intercedes for us. I need that so badly now! I am also thankful for the army of friends, family, and even strangers (thank you, Social Media) who are storming the gates of heaven on our behalf every day. I truly can feel the prayers and they are keeping us going.

If I am being honest. there are days that there's no way I would ever get out of bed if I didn't have children I needed to care for each day. I am tired. Life is hard. I don't enjoy getting used to life without the man who has been my other half for the last 15 years. Sleep just sounds better. Oh, but the love and grace of God placed these two beautiful children in my life. They light up my days. They make me laugh. They comfort me. They keep me going when I just want to give up. I have tears in my eyes just typing the words. I am so thankful for these two precious kiddos (even though I am scared to death that I am now their sole discipler, teacher, example, and {earthly}provider.) Oh, Father, teach me to love You with all my heart, my soul, my mind, and strength so that my children see You in all I do. Lord, save them! Adopt them! Let today be the day of salvation in our home!

Lord, I know there is a long road ahead. That road will be full of hard, happy, sad, scary, joyous, and awkward moments. Teach me to see Your hand in each moment, regardless of the feelings that will well up in me. Teach my body to sleep regularly, peacefully, and restfully. Teach me to start each day in You and to trust in You each moment of the day. Father, teach me how to live in such a way that no part of my life is wasted. Remove my selfishness far from me so my life can be poured out for others in order for Your name to be known. Speak to me and speak through me!

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