April 11, 2016

One Month

My Kevin has been worshiping his Savior for one month now. (Though I highly doubt he's counting or marking the passage of time. He's a little too busy!) It seems like just yesterday and ages ago all at once. Some days it's a bit surreal. I look at pictures of him from years past, where's he's so happy and strong, and it seems impossible that he is no longer here with us. Yet, at times, my heart is so joyous that his struggle and pain are over that there's no other place I would want him to be than right where he is, at the feet of his Savior (Aunt Linda says Uncle Dan is at his elbow!) Some days are hard. Some does are not as hard. Here are just a few random thoughts, funny and sappy, that I've had the last few weeks.

-Kevin must be the one that drank so much milk. Milk has lasted way longer the last four weeks than it ever has before in our house!

-Though I miss watching our favorite shows together, I am finding some freedom in being able to watch shows and movies that were just too girly for him!

-I am almost 40 and single again. It feels so weird. I don't really feel single. I don't want to be single. Yet, I am. Don't get me wrong, I have no intention of dating again (unless God intervenes), but it still feels weird to not be part of a whole. Kevin and I have been together since Valentine's Day 2001. 15 years! That makes me feel old!

-I am thankful that Ethan is so good at Legos and following the directions to put them together on his own. When he's gotten stuck once or twice I have tried to help, but I clearly do not have that engineering mind. The directions just look like random pictures and make me want to sit and cry. But, Ethan puts those things together so quickly! I am glad he is like his father in that!

-I really enjoyed being at the HLGU theatre this week. I LOVE THEATRE! I miss that camaraderie and joy and family feeling you get from spending every evening for months together rehearsing a show. I am so glad that Sophie got to get a small taste of that this year, too. She also enjoyed it. I may at least get one theatre kid! (Ethan will not be that child!)

-I've cleaned out Kevin's portion of the closet and his dresser. He had a lot of clothes. The closet is so empty now that it only has my clothes in it. And I still probably have way more than I need or wear. First world problems, for sure!

-We will have a school room, hopefully by this fall! If I can get everything cleaned out of Kevin's office by the fall (which will be no small task!) then we can rearrange, paint, and have it ready for school. I am very excited about this! The kids have become excited about this. We'll use a portion of the desk he built and his two office chairs to help keep a little Kevin in there and make it more fun for the kiddos. I've been waiting since Sophie was in kindergarten to have an actual school space. I would preferred to get that space and still have Kevin, but we're going to make the most of the situation at hand and enjoy what God has given us.

-Working to finish things up with Kevin's business is hard. I have no idea what I am doing! I am so thankful for my little sister who just jumped right in and handled things because I was too overwhelmed to even think about it. I still don't know how all of that will turn out, I just know that God has never failed us before and He won't start now.

-I have the best family and friends. Words cannot describe how they have loved and cared for us in the last month. I wish everyone could have this kind of support system around them. What a different place this world would be if that was the case!

-Music means even more to me than I thought it could. It calms my nerves, gives me strength, and reminds me of God's promises for my life.

-The ways that the Lord has provided for our family are amazing and numerous. He has provided money, giftcards, food, laundry, and so much more. He has made it possible for me to be able to have more time to find work that I can do from home so I can support my family and continue to home school my children. I have no idea yet what work will look like-part time, full-time, on the computer, or what, but the kids and I have had a lot of laughs over the crazy, random jobs they think I should do. The burden has been eased and God is taking care of things. Though I don't know the details, I know that even now He is working in ways I cannot even see to provide for us.

-There is a much greater urgency in my heart to beg God for the salvation of my children. I end every day with the plea that today is the day of salvation in our home. Would you join me in that plea? Would you join me in asking God to steal my children's hearts, make them new creations in Him, adopt them into His family, become Lord and Master of their lives, and teach them to love Him with all their heart, soul, mind, and strength? Oh, how I fear their decision will be based solely on wanting to see Daddy again, but I pray that it is a genuine, deep down, heart and soul decision for them.

-I am also looking forward to the day that the Lord shows us how He will use this suffering in each of our lives to shine His light and make a difference in this world. Will it be working with widows? Single moms? Children without fathers? Reaching out to addicts and their families? I really don't know, but when the time comes oh how I pray we will each be obedient to His call. May we love God and love others well!

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