Some of the things I've come to really miss in the last 18 days:
Sitting down at the end of the day to watch television with Kevin.
Hearing Kevin chat and read to the kids before bed each night.
Hearing Kevin read scripture and lead our family devotions at breakfast each morning.
Crying real tears and crying out to God with Kevin as we begged God for deliverance from addiction and depression.
Laying hands on Kevin to pray for him.
The pile of dirty clothes he always left in front of the closet.
Listening to the kids tell daddy about their day.
Convincing him to take the afternoon off so we can have family time in Quincy.
The way he insisted that the kids always clean off their dishes and put them in the dishwasher, but his dishes would sit in the sink, unrinsed.
The way he loved to surprise me by deep cleaning the kitchen when I was gone.
The way he always hung his towels up on the closet doors in our bedroom.
Hearing him tell the kids how much he loved them and how proud he was of them each night.
Listening to his terribly corny jokes.
They way he could sit and play guitar for hours, making it all up as he went along.
The hours he would sit and listen and play until he could replicate any guitar lead or solo
The way he lovingly joked about my obsession with Josh and Donna (TWW) as if they were real people.
He loved that I love and always cry at series finales.
He always believed in me. 100% . In his mind, there was absolutely nothing creative or on stage that I couldn't do.
That mischievous grin that always drove me crazy!
His constant care and concern for the kids and I.
He always cleaned up puke without complaining.
He was the tooth puller.
He was mine.
Some of the things that almost paralyze me with fear:
I am the only parent they have left. My failures affect them times two.
Both kids have birthdays next week. He won't be there.
His birthday is at the end of the month. He won't be there.
I know nothing about running a business, yet now I have one that I have to run, at least for a time.
Having pictures and memories that he's not in.
Making a will.
Working. Homeschooling. Discipling our children
All of the simple things that now send me into a panic.
Truth I am clinging to right now:
Psalm 139: All of my days were written in His book before even one of them were lived. He is in control and nothing that has happened or will happen takes God by surprise.
Christ's resurrection gives me the only hope I have that there is more to this life. It is the hope that Kevin is at His feet and that one day I will be there with Him. I pray each day that salvation will come to our children and they will join us there.
God loves my children more than I could ever possibly imagine. He is mighty to save and He desires their salvation and an eternity in heaven with Him.
God answers prayers. Those answers are not always what we hope for, but He always answers in a way that will bring Him glory. Kevin's death was the answer to our prayers, our desperate pleas for healing and freedom. God will receive honor and glory through his death. His story is redeemed and God will use me, even in my pain, if I am willing to lay my life in His hands.
God provides. The ways He provides are varied and crazy and amazing and spectacular and small and big, but He always provides.
Heaven is a place of eternal worship and joy. No tears. No death. No regret. No pain. I don't think this was the answer Kevin was expecting to his prayer any more than I was, but I promise you he is not looking down at us through some heavenly picture window feeling sad for us or wishing he could be here with us. He is worshiping His Savior. At His feet. In His presence. Eternally. Hallelujah!
Jesus is Hosanna! He is salvation and He is here. There's no need to worry He won't come. HE IS HERE!