July 30, 2015

Bleh...

That's sort of how I feel right now. I know it's summer, but it's been a long, hard winter. (West Wing fans, did you hear that with a beautiful Russian accent and a "Mr. President" after it. I did!) The last 6 months or so have been the hardest (though I am seeing the blessings and growth that resulted and know it wouldn't have come without the hard) of my life. I was faced with decisions I never thought I'd have to make. I'm still not 100% confident I always made the right choice, but I am grateful God used my choices to bring Himself glory, regardless of whether they were "perfect" or not. Life will never be the same. And that's good. But it's left me tired, anxious, fearful, cautious, directionless, and passionless. I.am.weary. Bone tired. Don't get me wrong, I am rejoicing over the amazing miracles, provision, and mighty works I have seen, just in my own home, in the last 3 months, but there are still all these other things, too. And sometimes, they win. Sometimes, that's all I can see. I know that I have skills and gifts that the Lord has given to me, but when I think about using them, it makes me tired. I just want to say no and crawl back in bed. There's no longer anything that just makes me want to run out and get it, work for it, spread the news, light a fire in others about it. Part of it is probably that I have such a hard time putting into words all that God has done in the last few months, that it makes it hard to see sometimes. A big part of it is still constantly comparing myself, my family, my children, my school days, everything with other people. That will always wear you down and leave you feeling empty.

So today...today, I want to truly feel Christ "burn away the winter of my cold and weary heart" (yeah, those are totally lyrics to a Rend Collective song. Check it out: Finally Free.) So, I am going to practice eucharisteo, to give thanks in all circumstances, to see His hand in all things: His timing is perfect (even when that means missing a dress rehearsal or performance, a friend moves away, a friend comes to visit, an urge to pray just won't go away), His provision is perfect (even when it means leaving loved ones behind, packing an entire year's worth of school for both kids in one box, a room full of people who want nothing to do with God showing you God's hand in the most unexpected ways), He brings us JOY (in the form of my children's laughter, the irony of a conversation with my pastor on using our gifts even when we don't feel passion on a day I feel most passionless, an Irish dance company performance in the midst of some of my darkest times, friendships that won't spoil or fade even if they do change with time).

Oh Father, help me to see with Your eyes, love with Your hands, hear with Your ears, and serve with Your heart. Push back the dark clouds that threaten to hide Your face from my weary eyes. Give me strength to focus on You alone. Remind me of Your love, joy, and faithfulness all day long! Don't let me forget in the light what You taught me in the darkness!

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