This is how God is teaching me to live right now. One.day.at.a.time. Oh, my! If you know me, you know how nearly impossible this is for me. I need a plan. I need a script. As I often say, "I do not improv well, on stage or in life." This is one of the hardest things for me in whatever season of life it is God has me in right now.
I like to plan. I like to know what's happening tomorrow, this weekend, next week, next month. I like to have things lined out and ready to go. I don't like surprises. Boy, is God using this to teach me about who is really in control, trusting Him, and waiting patiently on God. I'll be honest. I don't like it. Each day is full of little mini panic attacks as suddenly everything about life is overwhelming to me. Making breakfast, lunch, dinner, getting ready for the pool, doing laundry, so many ordinary things now hold anxiety for me. Some days it takes all of my energy to leave the bed and start the day. Some days I take an extra shower just for a chance to cry. I'm not totally sure why, other than the fact that everything feels so out of control and out of my hands. Of course, none of it was ever in my control or in my hands, I just thought it was! Now that I see how little control I really have, it's frightening!
Yet, at the same time, there is so much comfort in knowing that I am not in control. The world doesn't rely on or revolve around me. Amen! What a world of hurt we would all be in if that was not true. I am so thankful that the God who created the world is the one in charge of it. I am so thankful that the God who has infinite love, wisdom, grace, mercy, justice, compassion, and so much more, is the one in control. He knows all, sees all, and provides all. All of which I could never do!
Before our life blew up about 2 months ago, there was little true reliance on God for anything. Now, I can't make it through the day without stopping over and over again to whisper a prayer for peace or grace or rest or a myriad of other things. Little by little, day by day, He is teaching me how to truly trust him IN all things and FOR all things. It's the ugly beautiful, the messy, the brutiful of life. It's the reason I can praise Him in this storm. I can shout with joy that He's not finished with me, yet!
Oh, Father, mold me and shape me each day. Make me more like You. Gently lead and guide me and show me what it means to trust in and rely on You. Help me see the need for You alone to be in control. Mold my heart into one that is a joyful, obedient follower, that my children may see You in all I say and do.