February 15, 2014

Would the Real Heather McSmith Please Stand Up?

I've seen a lot and hear a lot lately about the dangers of social media allowing us to present such fake versions of ourselves to others.  Facebook, Twitter, InstaGram, etc allow us to present only the best, leading others to believe that's what life is like all the time, which leads to much jealousy and bitterness.  Especially among woman.  So, I'm summoning the spirit of Jen Hatmaker and giving you a glimpse into the not-so-pretty, mostly boring, sometimes frightening world that is my life!

--I forgot to get my kids anything for Valentine's Day.  We made cookies and delivered them to some friends, we made cards for grandparents that don't live near us, we picked out gifts for daddy and Gma Carol, but I forgot about my own kids.  Their gifts were all Kevin!  He stepped up and saved the day!

--I have a terrible time getting up in the mornings.  It's not unusual for me to still be in bed at 7 a.m.  Don't be jealous, it's just laziness.

--If the living room gets vacuumed more than once a week, it's a miracle.

--I find little to no joy in domestic tasks.  Laundry, dishes, cleaning.  Not a fan.  I can find all kinds of things to do in order to avoid these tasks.  One of the happiest things these last two weeks?  Sophie now cleans out the dishwasher so I don't have to.  Glory Hallelujah!  Such a small thing, but so exciting to me.  It doesn't even bother me that things aren't always in the right place, but hey, I didn't have to do it.  I feel the same about both of the kids putting away their own clothes.  E's drawers are a bit of a mess, but you know what, that was one less thing I had to do.  And he's finally come to understand that he needs to leave them folded, so we are making progress!  ;)

--I struggle to make friends (or even feel the need to make more friends than I already have) and I fear that this is keeping my own children from having friends.  Because we home school, it's easy to block ourselves off and not have much to do with other people.  It is real work for me to invite others here or try to follow my daughter's lead on spending time with others.  At 35 you'd think I would have learned to move past this, but alas, not so much.

--Deep down, I'm kind of hoping neither of my kids wants to play sports.  It has nothing to do with missing Sundays or Wednesdays and everything to do with not wanting our lives to be ruled by a sports schedule.  So much time is required and I am just not ready for that, yet.  I don't think I will ever be.  I also don't handle competition well.  I never have.  The thought of sitting among parents and other family cheering and clapping and hollering and shouting.  Ugh!  I would rather do the laundry!  However, though I know it's a double standard, I'd be totally fine adjusting our schedules for music or theatre.  I know, bad mom.

--I really struggle with having a quiet time at a consistent time of day.  Sometimes it's in the morning, sometimes at lunch, sometimes while Kevin is putting the kids to bed.  Part of it is the struggle to be able to get up early in the mornings, part of it is pure laziness on my part.  Sometimes 15 minutes is all that happens, sometimes I totally lose track of time and just enjoy digging in.

--The James devotional.  Oh, dear.  Where to begin!  It's going SOOO SLOOOOOWWWWLLLLYYY!  I got so much done on it over the summer.  Then school started.  And productive work has almost come to a complete halt.  I am still really enjoying digging in, but struggling to find the time to give it the attention it deserves. I guess if I was choosing to do that while I was choosing not to do housework, the problem would be solved, huh? ;)  We've learned the entire first chapter, but that caught us up to where I had gotten with the devotional, so we're taking a break from James while I get chapter 2 done.  This may take us until they graduate.  We're still randomly going back and remembering what we learned from chapter 1, but also taking time to learn our Family Quest verses and other verses.

--Some days we don't do school because I just can't.  I am grumpy and at least one of us won't survive if we attempted school.  So we spend the day reading books, playing games, and sometimes even watching movies.  This typically has nothing to do with the weather, just my attitude. (But, don't worry, we still always end up getting our work done.)

--Sometimes I envy those stay at home moms whose kids are all in school.  They have the freedom to volunteer in their kid's classes (for a short period of time, then walk away), get their house clean with no one around to undo all their hard work (the only way I can really focus on cleaning is when I am alone), and there is no way around not making friends or meeting new people (I realize this is both good and bad!)  Now, I know it's not that they sit around all day eating chocolates and watching TV, but sometimes just imagining time at home without the kids is nice!

--At least twice a week the kids and I never get out of pajamas.  That usually reminds of the joy of not having to get up at the crack of dawn to get my kids to school or having to look nice everyday for a job.  I am not sure my husband feels the same way.

--I love that Sophie has learned how to work Netflix.  Saturday mornings are now glorious!  We sleep in, they watch Netflix.  Yet another reason not to play sports.

--My children also get their own breakfast.  Every morning.  We love cereal and toast.

--Kevin and I have watched all 7 seasons of The West Wing at least 10 times. We could watch it 10 more.

- That insecure junior high girl still lives inside of me.  She's nearly impossible to get rid of.  She always makes me feel left out, less than, not enough, second rate, unwanted, and unloved.  And all of those are pretty much always unwarranted and figments of my imagination.  It's Satan wreaking havoc on my mind and my relationships.  He uses it to hold me back from giving my all to current relationships, from starting new relationships, and from giving my all to serving and furthering God's Kingdom.

Hopefully this will dispel any myth that life here in the McSmith house is glamorous.  Praying that God uses all these quirks to draw me closer to Him somehow.  Praying that I grow in Him each day and that my children see Him in me, even on the bad days.

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