Why, oh why, is that emotional, junior high level girl still alive in there somewhere? Why can't I get rid of her for good? Satan really knows just how to get to us, doesn't he?
The last few days have been difficult for me. I am tired and not feeling well, which always make me emotional. The thought of doing anything more than wasting time on the computer or laying on the couch watching a movie wears me out. Seriously. One of the largest contributing factors is the lack of time alone in the last week and a half. If you now me, you know I HAVE to have no less than an hour a day completely to myself in order to stay sane. I think the entire time we were gone I had about 30 minutes to myself. Now, don't get me wrong, I loved getting to see family and spend time with those we don't see very often, but I have reached my limit of people being anywhere near me! I love my kids, but I am so thankful they are outside right now playing in the snow...WITHOUT ME!
I think what is dragging at me the worst right now that horrid thief named Comparison. I look around and it seems that God is doing such big things in the lives of everyone around me, and we're just going nowhere. There are new babies (biological and adopted), children accepting Christ, new jobs, new homes, huge mission opportunities on the horizon and I feel like I am just barely keeping my head above water some days. I feel like everything I have attempted in the last month has just fallen apart or not turned out at all like I had planned. I just want to end everyday in tears because I feel like I failed at so much of what I attempted that day. Most days I just want to withdraw from everything and everyone and lay in bed. It takes all my strength to get out of bed most mornings and face the day, which leaves me feeling guilty and out of place.
Then I look into the face of my little girl and hope that she never has a day where she feels this way. I pray that she never senses the insecurity lying just beneath the surface of her mother's heart. I pray that she can learn and live early what I still struggle with everyday: that her worth is not tied to what she sees in the mirror or on the scale or the faces of the people looking at her or what she has or doesn't have, but in Christ alone. I pray that she will find, as I have, the peace and comfort of the Psalms. The way they reach deep into the soul and pour out a heart in agony and distress, yet pretty much always end in praise to the Father, the Creator and only One who can see our need, provide all we need, and heal our wounded hearts.
Oh, Lord, lift my heart from this muck and mire. Do not allow Satan to build a stronghold in my heart so that I cannot see Your truth. Lord, help me to be consistent in studying Your word and drawing near to You at all times. Remove this need to compare and the pride that comes with that. Lord, let there be less of me and more of You!