October 11, 2013
I must admit, today was a fasting fail. I have tried to justify it to myself that I was on the road, not at home, with others who aren't fasting, and because I knew tomorrow was going to be a long, emotional day....but really...if I am going to be honest...it's just because I chose not to use self-control, because I decided to put my wants ahead of anything else, and I chose not to fast today. I chose to ignore the nagging thought of children half-way around the world barely getting enough in their one meal today as I continually lifted food (that I didn't need and when I wasn't even hungry) to my mouth. I chose to ignore the impulse to put down the chips, though I was eating them for the second time today, and pray for those around the world who would go to bed hungry this evening so they could give what meager food they had to their children in hopes they would live just one more day. As I guzzled tea, hot chocolate, and soda, I pushed away the thoughts of those who would have to walk a day's journey (and usually it's children who do this task, meaning that they are missing out on an education in order to do this for their families) just to get enough clean water for their family for the day...not to mention all those who have no option for clean water and get more and more sick from drinking the dirty water that is their only option. I am frustrated and angry with myself. I am sick at my selfishness. I am even more frustrated as I sit here and still contemplate excuses that will make me feel better about myself, even in this dismal failure of a day. How will my children learn selflessness when all they see in me is selfishness and pride? How will they learn self-control and self-discipline when all they see from me is laziness? How will they learn to serve others and be giving if all they see from me is self-serving and no giving unless I am getting something in return? Lord, help me! Mold me! Shape me! Renew me! Fill me with Your Spirit that those around me, especially my children see You and only You. Lord, move my heart! Fill it with You and remove the selfishness, pride, and laziness. Remove any need for glory or fame that is not directed at You alone. Let my children see You in all I do and say. Lord, give me Your strength to complete this fast so that I may know You more, rely on you more, trust You more, and give more that Your name may be known throughout the world!