September 18, 2013

Guilt, Insecurity, Comparison

Not sure about you, but those three things can just demolish a person.  And in a week like this, when headaches are strong, sleep escapes me, and my emotions run high, it is so easy for these three things to rule and reign in my mind.  When I am tired and emotional I put up little to no fight against the things Satan throws my way, these three being some of the worst.  (Please know that the following post is not written to incite pity or compliments or anything like that, just to share my heart and my struggles this week in hopes of encouraging others.)

Too often I just let guilt eat at me.  Most of the time it's not even over things that make any sense or should even affect me.  I can't even being to calculate the amount of time in a day I spend feeling guilty about things,  Then of course, there are those things that seem right to feel guilty about, but you just don't know how to change or do things differently: guilty that I spent 45 minutes folding laundry when I could have been outside enjoying the beautiful fall weather with the kids, guilty that I cleaned out the dishwasher instead of eating breakfast with the kids to start our day.  Both things need to be done, so how do I make it all happen?  I must remember to daily lay it all down at His feet and allow Him to lead and guide all I do.  I must remember not to just react and do things purely based on feelings, which are so often misleading and confusing. 

Another thing I really struggle with is insecurity.  That annoying little junior high girl just never goes away, does she?  She's always feeling left out, alone, and not good enough, no matter what.  Why is she so hard to get rid of?  Why doesn't she just go away when we move past junior high?  Why must I always give in to that feeling of not being good enough, feeling like I am not wanted for who I am but what I can do, that so many just see me as the one that comes along with Kevin or Sophie or Ethan?  Why must I always feel like others are hanging out and becoming best friends without me?  Why must I always feel like my identity comes from what I do and those around me rather than from the One who created me and gave His life up for me?  Lord, help me focus!  Help me to have clear eyes that focus on you, not me.  Lord, help me to see how this insecurity affects not only me, but my husband and children.  Help me to let go of this need and desire to be something special or particular to please this world, but to chase after the things of God with a passion and desire that draws others to You, as well.  Help me to lay aside this insecurity so that I can be the wife and mother that You desire me to be so that my family can run after You radically and wholeheartedly.

I must agree with Theodore Roosevelt that comparison is the thief of joy!  I find myself constantly comparing everything in my life with the lives of others.  Yet, when I do this, I have no idea what is really happening in someone else's life or home.  I have no idea if things are even as they seem on the other end.  Why do I consistently do this?  I know it only ends in sorrow and hurt, yet I do it time and time again.  I compare my home, my children, my cleaning skills, my schooling, everything!  Lord, help me to see that comparison is of no use in the Kingdom!  The only comparison that brings about anything good is my sin to Your holiness, which leads to acknowledging all that You've done to save and redeem me and leads me to praise You for all You are.  Lord, draw me to You.  Lord, help conquer and control my mind and emotions that I may be Yours alone, devoted to the things of You and seeking to lead others to You in all I say and do. 

1 comment:

  1. Thanks Heather. Its funny -I often feel the same way -on the outside of friendships so wishing I was part of the deepening inner circle. Feeling guilty for things I know are not mine to bear or even need to feel guilt over. But how to stop the emotional response that won't seem to be controlled by reason? Tonight circumstances have pressed me to remember to pray, praise and to listen. -wendi

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