June 30, 2011

What a strange day it has been....

Just a warning: This post may read a bit like "If You Give a Mouse a Cookie"!

Well, today started off really well!  I have had a terrible time getting out of bed this week in order to have my quiet time before the kiddos are up.  But today, God poured His mercy on me and I was able to get up.  Granted, Sophie got up when I did, but we sat outside at the picnic table together and I read my Bible and she wrote in her 1000 Gifts Journal.  It was really a sweet time.  A lot of my reading was in the Psalms this morning, which I love!  Then I got the kiddos breakfast and even got in a shower this morning!  Woo hooo!  I know that doesn't sound like much of an accomplishment, but really, it is.  Getting a shower in before bed time is pretty rare around here, so I was pretty excited.  Then, of course, I got the kids ready to go an actually had some time to clean up before we headed out for Playgroup this morning. 

And that's when it all came unraveled.  Or maybe I should say, that's when I came all unraveled!  I have no idea what came over me!  The kids were playing well in the other room and Kevin was downstairs doing his quiet time, so it was the perfect time for me to pull out the vacuum and clean.  But, just as I pulled out the vacuum, I suddenly just wanted curl up on the floor and cry!  Why, well, I am not really sure!  All I know is that I was overwhelmed with the task of motherhood and wife hood this morning...and not in a good way!  I just wanted to cry and escape it all, even if just for a few hours!  I was overwhelmed by the chore of keeping house.  Admittedly, this is something I am not good at.  I have tried several methods (one room per day, one floor each day, minor pick ups each day and the vacuum only every other day), but my house still always feels cluttered, cramped, and very messy.  I can't even stand the thought of anyone coming over and seeing the messy house, even if I've just cleaned and bleached the whole place.  I have some of the neatest friends I can think of and they must just shudder at the thought of leaving their shining homes and coming to my messy one.  It seems no matter how hard I try, I just can't get it all done.  The floor never gets mopped, clothes sit in baskets for a week at a time, Kevin usually ends up cleaning the bathroom and kitchen, and I sit and cry over all I couldn't get done!  My kids are really good at picking up when they've finished playing, and for that I am truly grateful, but that just leads me to another place of despair.  Everyone else I know lives by the "everything has a place and everything in it's place" rule but me, it seems.  Even their small children do this and their homes are immaculate!  For me, if they can get it off the floor and into one of the toy tubs, that's good.  At least I didn't have to pick it up, right?  But, I am doing them some kind of disservice by not teaching them the true responsibility of getting things to a proper and organized place, or is just picking up your mess enough?

Then, of course, my mind zooms ahead to home schooling this fall. Oh man, if I can't keep things clean and moving when there's nothing to do now, how in the world am I ever going to get it done while spending at least half of the day teaching Sophie?  And how in the world am I ever gonna get time with Ethan?  Will he be jealous of all the one on one time Sophie will get because I am teaching her?  Ahhhhhh!  What was I thinking getting into this home school thing?  Of course, then I feel silly because I know we are doing exactly what God has called us to do and He will provide, so I need not worry.  If I truly believe He called us to this, then I must also believe He will provide all that each one of us needs to make this happen.

Then I  begin to think that what I need to make this happen is a week in an empty house to clean, organize, print copies and make lesson plans.  Ahh, but is that really the answer?  I begin to think over all the stories of Christ in the Bible.  In all the times I can remember that we see Him alone, it is either to sleep (which is usually interrupted and He takes that time to teach a lesson) or He is drawing near to the Father.  I have to admit, if I would use my time alone to draw near to the Father, I would probably be less prone to feel the need to be alone.  I would be relying on Him as my source of strength, not myself.  I would be filled with His love and grace, not my own self pity and doubt.  What was God really trying to tell me?  To be honest, I really don't know!  But, I am praying that He will reveal it soon!!!!!  I know that since He has given me a hisband and children, He has also given me the responsibility to care for them and look after them.  If He has called me to that, then He will give me the time to get it done.  I must have faith in that.  Just because Christ didn't take "me time", does that mean I shouldn't either?  I have no idea!  But, I will be more earnest to spend time in His Word and in prayer seeking what He would have me to do with my time each day, praying that will lead to satisfaction with all He has given!

Lord, I don't know what You're trying to teach me or show me, but reveal Yourself to me today.  Show me how to be truly content in all that You have given me.  Show me how to use my time as YOU would have me use it, not how I think it needs to be used in order to fit come crazy, mixed-up dream I have in my head!  Change my heart and soul to be more like you each moment of each day.  Use me to model You love and grace to my children that they may come to know You, trust You, live for You, and boldly declare Your name to the nations!!!!

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