December 16, 2010

Surrender

In the car the past few days I have been letting the mp3 player (that's right, the ole 2001 Escort has no CD player, but does have a tape player that I can use to play the mp3 player...I am soooo old school!) run randomly through all the songs.  It's pretty fun that way because you never really know what's next.  It drives Sophie crazy, but it's pretty fun to bounce from The Chipmunks to TSO to Passion to last year's children's choir musical!  Anyway, I digress.  As I was saying, I have been letting the music shuffle and there was one song that came on a few times that made me cry every time I heard it.  In fact, I have cried every time I hear since the very first time I heard it.  The song is "Surrender" by Barlow Girl.  (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=at9z-ewIhOo&feature=relatedthink ) I the song is from 2004.  The first time I heard it was in TX while hanging out with some college friends about a year after we'd all gotten married.  The album was fairly new and Q and Lauren introduced it to me on that trip.  When it got to that final song, all three of us just sat and cried!  We all had so many dreams that we had been clinging to that it was just apparent weren't going to happen, for one reason or another and that song just overwhelmed us with the reality of it all.  This song still hits me so hard, even today!  There have been so many "dreams" that I have had my heart and mind set on and never once did the thought cross my mind to prayerfully ask God if those were the plans that He had for my life.  Until now, every time I listen to this the yearning to do more with theatre is what always hits me.  But this time, I was struck with my kids and the dreams and plans I have for them.  Am I willing to give that up and let God be the one who directs their path?  If He calls them to the wilds of Africa to serve Him, am I ok with that?  If He calls one of them home before ever being able to drive, am I ok with that?  More than anything, do I truly desire for God's will to be done in their lives, regardless of what it means for me personally?  Can I really and truly release them into His hands and completely trust that He is in control and He will lead them down the paths He has for them, whether they are good or bad in my eyes?  So many times I feel like I am ok with that for myself, but to think of letting my kids go just scares me.  But, I must be willing to let go and release them into God's hands, while at the same time allowing myself to be held and guided by Him so He can use me in their lives until the time they move out of the house or He calls them home.  I mean, I start to freak out just thinking about Sophie being in school next year making friends I won't know, learning things neither I nor the teacher taught her, people picking on her, not making the team, not getting the role she wants in the school play...and these are such minor and earthly things.  Do I spend as much time agonizing over her spiritual state?  Do I spend as much time seeking the Lord, asking Him to show me how to seize each teachable moment He gives me so that my children will be rooted in Him, ready to face that world of school when it comes?  Ahhhh, I think I am about to have a stroke just sitting here thinking about it!  My prayer for today:
Lord, calm my anxious heart!  Fill me with Your peace that passes all understanding.  Show me how to place my children in Your hands, while at the same time being the mother and protector You would have me to be for them here on Earth.  Give me the strength to praise you in every battle, every pain, every tear, every blessing, every report card, every tough decision, every loss, every moment, big or small.  Lord, show me how to be a wife and mother that leans on You for wisdom and strength.  Help me to be a woman who hungers and thirsts after you in all areas of my life!  Help me to realize that all plans and dreams need to be taken to You and sifted through Your hands!  Help me to let go of things that hinder my or my family's growth in You and help me to grasp tightly those things that will draw myself, my family, and others to You!

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