August 06, 2010
Well, Kevin had to make a rush trip to TX to work on the server at his dad's clinic and the kids and I are at my mom's. I never sleep well when Kevin is gone...not sure why...guess I am just used to him being there after 7 years. Anyway, since I couldn't sleep I decided to get on the computer and clean up the ole email. So glad I did! I found emails from all the way back in 2005 when we were on the road with Bibleman. They brought much laughter to me! Funny how much things have changed in those short 5 years. We started out 2005 trying to pack up everything in our apartment, send it to our parents house, and get to CA to start rehearsing the show. I had quit working at HLG (in the Admissions office) in December, so I did most of the packing and hauling. When we got to CA we lived in a hotel for a little over a month while we rehearsed the show, built props, built staging, and got the "Banana" ready for two married couples to travel in for the next 6 months. So thankful for the people in Rob and Anay's church who came and renovated that nasty truck so that two women (one of whom was already 5 months pregnant...not me, Anay) could stand to be in the back for hours at a time! So much happened in that 6 months. It was some of the best and some of the hardest times in mine and Kevin's lives. We were tested, for sure, but God also revealed His mighty, gracious, and loving hand to us in many ways. It was so neat to see Him work, in every detail. About halfway through the tour we found out we were pregnant. I think that's when both of us really began to get nervous and worry. We had no maternity insurance and neither one of us had a job when the tour ended. Oh, we also didn't have a place to live once our time in the dear old Banana was over. We had saved up quite a bit of money and, before we found out Sophie was on her way, had decided to spend the rest of the year spending time with our two families, since we hadn't seen them in awhile. Of course, knowing there was a baby on the way changed all those plans. We ended up heading back to Hannibal, both searching for jobs (hoping that at least one of us would find something), and living in the upstairs of our best friend's apartment. Not what we had planned at all! The job search was failing! Kevin wasn't even getting interviews, and though I seemed to get several, as soon as they found out I was pregnant, they lost all interest. There was a job opening in Admissions at HLG and I just had my heart set on it. I loved that office and I loved working for Dr. Carty and really wanted to go back to work there. But, I did not get the job. I remember the day I got the news from Dr. Carty. We were actually still in CA getting all the show stuff packed away in storage. I had to go into the bathroom and just sit there on the floor as I cried and cried and cried! I was trying to trust that God would provide...I mean, I had just spent 6 months on the road seeing Him provide time and time again, but for some reason, it was much harder this time to believe He would "pull through". Man, that sounds stupid even typing it! Thankfully, God did provide...first, Kevin worked construction for a guy in our church. He was working outside, on a roof, in December, in MO! What a great husband I have! He never complained and never resented that he had to work in those conditions for our family. Then he provided an apartment for us, and even provided it at a lower rate than they were originally asking. Then He provided a full-time job for Kevin. Everything was settled and taken care of by the time our newest addition arrived. How could I have ever doubted, even for a minute, that God was not in every detail!?!?!?! Of course, I still find myself doubting at times. So much is going on in the lives of so many around me. There are times that I just want to scream, "Seriously?!?!? What are you up to? Where are you? Can't you see what's going on down here?" But, I know that God is working, even when I can't see it. He is always right there and knows everything going on everywhere at all times. He sees every little baby that the Dr. can't seem to find. He sees every tear and broken heart. He sees every pain and disease. He sees every family struggling pay check to pay check because there is little to no work for the husband to find. He sees every person struggling with what their true calling is. He sees every person battling with truth and lies. He sees every woman craving to be a mother, though her womb remains empty. He sees every tiny baby born too many weeks too early. He sees it all. He understands it all. He hears it all. He knows it all. Better yet, He controls it all! There is nothing that happens outside His mighty hand. There is nothing that takes him by surprise. So many times lately I have been drawn to the opening of Job where God points Job out to Satan and even gives Satan the limits he must keep with regard to Job. Even then, even in the midst of the suffering and loss, nothing happened without God's permission. He truly is sovereign. God can reveal, heal, and provide...but even if He doesn't in any particular case, He is no less God and no less sovereign. Wow! If only I could remember this at all times and truly live every day as though I believed this to the very fiber of my being. I must spend more time in His word. I must spend more time in prayer, sitting quietly waiting for Him to speak. I must cast off my foolish pride and run to Him and Him alone. Oh LORD, Your works are marvelous and endless. You remain faithful, even though I prove time and time again that I am not faithful. You pour out your mercies on me, a sinner. You have saved me, though I did not and will not ever deserve it! Give me your strength to make it through each day. Help me to see each and every situation through Your eyes. Give me the strength to run to You daily. Give me the strength to cast it all at Your feet and leave it there. I need you! I need you at all times. Empty me of me and fill me with You that I may be salt and light for Your kingdom.
at 1:34 AM