February 04, 2010

Thinking, Thinking, Thinking

Well, it's been quite a while since I last posted anything. I have gone to the computer dozens of times to type something up, but, once I am there can't help but think that I don't have anything to say that would be of any interest to others. Not that anything has changed, I still don't think that what I have to say is all that interesting, but several things have been running through my mind lately, so I just thought that I would share.

I was struck, again, last night by my pride and selfishness. Why do I think that everything is all about me? Why do I think that, not only my family's world, but everyone else's as well, must revolve around me? Maybe I am the only one, but I know that I tend to think that anytime a person is upset or has a problem, surely it is because of me. Surely I did something wrong and I have upset them. I was thinking this again last night when I was struck by the absurdity of it. I was feeling this way about someone to whom I haven't spoken or seen in months and know there's no way the situation had anything to do with me...yet...I still felt like it obviously had to be something I had done. I sat and thought and thought and thought, trying to come up with what words or actions I had done could have offended them. Why? Why was I worrying about it? Well, I had to admit that my motivation wasn't because I wanted things to be right in their life or mine...or because I was so worried about a Christian brother or sister that I just wanted the LORD to open up my heart and examine me and show me what I needed to change. No, it was simply because I liked the thought that I would be so important in someone else's life that even the smallest word or action would have a huge influence. At first, it was really easy for me to pass this off on my extreme "people pleasing" personality...but then it started to become clear...it wasn't that I was a people pleaser, it's that I was totally focused on myself, wanting to feel needed and important. I wanted it to be all about me, me, me (while still not wanting anyone to be upset with me...messed up, I know). Now, this isn't the first time I have felt like this...I pretty much feel this way anytime someone I even vaguely know seems upset or worried about something, but last night was the first time I really examined why I was feeling that way and what my motivation was. I am turning this over to God that He may renew my mind and heart and show me that my value and worth is in Him alone, not in those around me. That He can show me that I am not in this world to be all about me, but all about Him...loving Him, learning about Him, serving Him, and leading others to Him!

The other thing I have really been thinking about lately is Heaven. All of our songs last week in church were about Heaven. Now, I am excited about Heaven. I cannot even imagine what it will be like, but excited for the day when my humanness is no longer in the way! But, as we were singing lines about God coming soon and making His kingdom soon, I had to admit that I wasn't sure I felt that way. As we sang that line (I can't remember exactly what it was), I literally said to God, "But can it wait until my kids are able to know You and have a relationship with You?" I look forward to Heaven and long for the time I can worship at His feet, but I would be lying if I said I want it to come right now. I want my kids to grow up and I want my kids to know salvation and know what it is to serve God. I am praying through it and praying that God will give me the heart and courage to trust that He will come in His time when He will receive honor and glory. I am praying that God will help me to trust His sovereignty in all things, even this. God knows and loves my children. God desires that my children, along with everyone else in the world, know Him. I must trust in that, trust Him and trust His character. I must live my life for Him, do what He asks, and leave His return to Him. After all, He knows all and sees all...I see only small picture!

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