October 28, 2009

Randomness


So, it's been awhile since I posted a real blog...I have wanted to for quite some time, but every time I sit down, the words just won't come...I guess I need to start writing down the ideas I get when I get them so I won't forget! Getting old is tough!!!! ;)

Ethan is almost 7 months old, Sophie is one month closer to being 4, and I turn 31 tomorrow. Where has all the time gone? As I sit pondering, so many things come to mind. Never in my life did I imagine that I would be married with two children and staying at home with them. Never growing up did I ever want to be a stay-at-home mom. I love working...it makes me feel useful and gives me the structure I need to be most productive...yet, here I am being a stay-at-home mom. Don't get me wrong, I love it! I love being able to see all the changes in my kids day to day, love getting to laugh with them, cry with them, play with them, hug them, and all the other things that go along with it. I love being able to be right there when something, good or bad, happens. I feel very blessed that God has allowed this to work out for us. But, I must also admit that it's a struggle for me everyday! Working, in all reality, is so much easier for me! I need structure! I need a schedule that I can rely on and know by heart! I am a very goal oriented and task oriented person, so work just works for me. I have such a hard time with this at home. When I am home and I make a schedule, I become a slave to that schedule, regardless of how it affects the children. The clock then rules my life and I leave no time for children, Kevin, or God. Now, I know, you're thinking, "You're home with the kids all day, how can you not have time for them?!?!" I think the same thing. But the constant struggle I feel is that I can't do the things around the house that I feel I should do (cleaning, laundry, just those "duties" that have to get done to have an orderly house) without sacrificing time with the kids. Basically, I feel it's either clean the house or hang out with the kids and I can't seem to find a happy medium where I get to do both. How embarrassing and aggravating it is to know that I am home all day and still can't have a clean house!!! And fitting in quiet time? How do any moms, stay at home or those working, fit that in? I literally give my daughter a 1/2 hour bath everyday just so I can do my Bible study...again...the feeling that I can't do both in the same day...I must choose one over the other...I know I should choose the Bible study, it's best for me and my children that I know and follow the word of God...but the kids need me to be with them, too! I feel so guilty because I often find myself envious of those moms who get to work...which I know sounds sooooo stupid to those moms who would give anything to be at home with their kids! I can't really explain it other than that's when I feel useful, effective, and that I have a sense of order instead of constant chaos! And it's not that I don't feel appreciated for all that I do at home...Kevin is constantly saying how nice it is to have me home and what a good job I do and thanking me for all I do! Not really sure why I am spilling all this out on the page...I guess just to ask for prayer that I would find my fulfillment in Christ rather than earthly things...that I would seek Him on ways to use every moment He has given me at home with my sweet little blessings to point them to Him...and that I would be able to have consistent, daily time in His word and in prayer! Also, any advice on how to make this whole thing work a little more smoothly would be greatly appreciated!


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