June 29, 2009
Much more prideful than I thought
So, admittedly, I never really thought of myself as a very prideful person. I think my first realization that I did have a pride issue was in my senior year of college. I had traveled with New Edition (a Christian theatre troupe) for two school years and two summers. I had served as the summer student director and served as the "emcee" and segue girl for most of that time, as well. My senior year I switched ministry teams and joined Praise Song (which is where I met my hubby). I really didn't think that it would be much of a transition between the two because, hey, they were both traveling ministry teams, right. But, let me say, watching New Ed perform without me that first time was almost gut wrenching. Were they really up there doing all those sketches, for which I could repeat every line word for word,without me? How was that possible? Wouldn't the group just fall apart without me? I was actually saddened that they were able to survive without me! What a jerk! Could I be anymore prideful? That group was never about one person, and hopefully never will be. How could I ever think that I was so important to them that they would fall apart when I moved on? What an idiot. But, here I sit, 9 years later, 30 years old, feeling the same way. Last year I left my part-time job at my college alma mater to be home with my kiddos and to watch my best friend's amazing little girl. Today, I saw that they were going to finally fill my position, with someone full time. As I read the job description, I almost wanted to cry. They are filling my position? They can continue without me? They are moving on and didn't need my help to do it? Then I thought, "What are you thinking? You know that you are right where God wants you...which is not there!" It was a great place to work, but I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that it's not where I am supposed to be, so why feel so prideful? Why feel like I am the only one that can do that job justice? I guess because I am human, mostly. Because my focus is on me, my talents and abilities, not on the one who made me and gave me those talents and abilities! LORD, help me to focus on You, not me. Help me to see that it's the giver of the gift, not the gift or the one using it, that deserves the praise and glory! Oh, LORD, never let me forget that!
at 10:36 PM