March 10, 2018

When You're Not Trying to Keep the Hard Day from Coming, but You Still Don't Know What to do With It

I've learned something in the last two years. Well, can you call it learning when it's something you already knew, just didn't really pay attention too all that much?

Anyway, did you know that March 10 comes every year? Every.year. I tell you. I've tried to avoid it twice now, but it seems I cannot make the calendar skip that date, no matter how hard I try. So, I guess I'll have to face it every year after all.

But how?

That feels like the eternal question at this point. I've wrestled with it for months leading up to the date both times now.

The human side of me wants to tuck myself away for a week or so and eat all the junk food, watch all the television, and see none of the people. It wants to cry and whine and moan and complain. It wants to list all that my kids have lost and all the ways our lives have changed. It wants to list all the things my kids no longer have their daddy around to help with and all the things I still have to learn to do on my own. It wants to scream and shout about the unfairness of it all. It wants to throw a pity party. But really invite anyone because people are so "peopley."

Deep down, like really deep down, however, what I really want is for Jesus to be what people see, hear and remember. Not death. Addiction. Widowhood. Fatherlessness. Tragedy. Sadness. I want them to remember grace. Faith. Forgiveness. Redemption. Love. Mercy. Compassion. Showing up.

But how?

I honestly am not sure, but mostly it's a lot of living one day at a time asking God to continually give me more faith and trust. This year, it was by not drawing my kids' attention to just what today was. I didn't mention the date. I didn't mention it's significance. We just enjoyed the day with family at a bridal shower. A dear friend reminded me that the kids will never forget the day their daddy died, knowing the date right now just isn't that important. We'll look ahead to his birthday and enjoy the celebration of his life on that day. As we have the last two birthdays he's been gone. It's actually one of our most favorite days of the year now. We laugh. We remember. We tell stories. We give gifts to strangers. We love that day!

This week has been long and emotional, but today was a good day. Thank you for your prayers, texts, messages, and notes. All of them helped remind me just how loved we are, how much Kevin was loved, and what a fabulous God we serve!